Afluence denied

I am gonna create a new journal. This one is jsut too retarded. Tell me if you want to be re-added. I am gonna be gay and make everything friends only from here on in.
And, here it is

Fuckyouemofucks

Its just right. I dotn want it flashy.

And...Yeah.

I mgiht also leave dallas after this year too. Who knows.

Click Here

This si THE fabled jon stewart vs O'Reilly episoed. Watch the five minute thing. Do it!

YEhyeh.

[Edit: Its not that we arent going to talk anymore. Its just that you dont talk to me like a friend anymore.You know who you are.]

Bill O'Reilly is getting so pissed at Jon Stewart. GO COLBERT.
And Downlaod the song Falling by Ben Kweller. Its in the weatherman. Another movie I want to see.

Anybody up for SawII on Halloween? Cmon! LEts go.

Edit: Ok, This is actually hilarious. Bill O'Reilly is insulting everyone. The french, colbert, Lewis Black, Jon stewart, EVRYONE. FUCK BILL OREILLY. He called jon stewart a pinhead. I need to find a transcript for this show. Seriously\.

So, I am gonna be a sociopath again! And the burnign quetion is, is that better than me smoking. Honestly, for me to return to beiong utterly depressed, beligerent, and self hating, is it worht it? Is it worht the fact that now my day is filled with thought of how long a rope would be for me to kill myself if i jumped out a window? Is it worth me probably destroying every friend ship I ahve with each of you over a period of time were I should be socializing more? Is it worth the crying that I have to do jsut to get to sleep? Is it worth the lonliness I bear through every second of this pitiful existence?
Is it worth me possibly spilling blood for this?

I would like to get someone to explain to me how its worht it. I havent smoked in a week, so, I guess im not gonna start again. I am jsut gonna go antisocial like normal.

I definetely understand why I always should goto homecoming, even though I ahte it.
Ill leave names.
AllisonCoolSamJJPavlicoDuffyMagicMikeDavidHunter
RickBerryCourtneyTaylorChreisBaiamonteNickBaiamonte
MiaEsopiAllisonAllyHeatherKaytlinTriciaGorillazGlowsticks
AcousticsCameraDickSmithLaurenLando
FelleciaIanvanCokeRebeccaChelseaPizzaBites
ArgyleUUU(sucks)NatashaBrittMatoskiBpatt
EddyBobbyJennbobackKristenJuisticeNicotineDemons
DateditchingsCreepinessHugeHugsSlowdance
JohnThompsonSimpleMindsSandstormIliketomoveit!
DickiesSuitcoatsIamsosceneItssosicksuit50dolla
ticket10dollagettingcaughtwiththisfaceafteryouwinhomecomingkingpriceless

G0oodnight people.

.Ineedyousomuchcloser

( I am the best rick or treater ever. Some of you relaly suck though. )

Anyway, I gotta find it ironic, that A: i love kids. head start was awesome. We saw bizzarro Rachel and Jenna, and All this shit. Raiding the church fridge (emo heart here). Got my coat back too. It smells alot of ciggarettes. SWeeettttt. Thatll pass.

Anwayy, I think I am going to homecoming becuase of mike fucking policare. Lovely boy.

And, Its funy how the one day I decide to talk about how I ahte Ipods gulla decides to come on Lj. Its a sign.

(Edit: System of a down is the best dust metal band I ahev ever heard.)

Random fact of the day!

Iriver was creating protable media playing devices 4.5 years before Ipod.

Who is rippin goff woh now bitches?

Another fact!

Battery life slowly decreases in Ipods. So even if you get a good first charge, slowly,the battery will degrade to nothing!

Buy Iriver, creative labs, or dell even. Anytthing is better than a fucking Ipod.

They say it fits if you let it. Love is made, to forget it. Carved your name cross my eyelids, we prayed for rain, prayed for blindness.

I want to cry myself to death.

So today, I chilled with Mike and kate. That was fun. I saw this Sam girl I havent seen in awhile, or even talked to. Mike said me and her could date or soemthing. I doubt he will remember. W/e. Later hima nd kate got close, but I left the room, I was good, so I didnt want to watch, i jsut let them do their thing. and Kates reasoning for them not being together, is becaue, of all girls,. why me? Nice reasoning babe. I should use that,becuase its fucking true.

I really am writing this entry to just try to comprehend my father.

I wke up today, at 820 to him talking to me. Tonight was a good night for talks. Really good night. So anyway, he starts off saying "Why arent you going to homecoming, and I said becuase I dont feel like it. thats why I dont do school sponsored things, I dont feel like going out, adn havinmg an emotion swirl, and then come home and the next day be depresseed as fuck. Plus I dont ahve a date

Second of his arguments "What aobut that sma girl at the fair, or, any of the other girls at your school, I never had problems with chicks." Reply from me: "I am no football player, I am nothing big. People jsut dont like me I guess. And, I dont want something stupid."

Well, what about the slutty girls?

Well, they are sluts. fuck them. I honestly hate people like that dad. I jsut dont have luck with chicks.

You relaly are jsut throwing away the best years of your life.

"Well, your throwing them away for me with this property thing dad." I should have said that. Real;ly REally should have.

Just tell me why He thinks I am worth soemthing more than meaningless non-love letters to friends. Seirously. And kate, being that guy, doenst get me anywhere. Its why im that guy.sigh.

Exoh niggaz. Sigh. Sigh sigh sigh. Im such a emo fuck.

So apparently Chris Baiamonte is home until Sunday. I really need to see that boy, and no not for those reasons Heather. I think this is the first time I will have greeted him with something other than wanna go have a smoke? Yeah, great.

I forward apologize to all of you. I am really really trying to quit ciggarettes, adn I am fucking Irate. I worry, I yerll, I have tantrums, All of that. But I will come out of this your friend, or not. I am jsut going throguh a nessesary change. And, If I offend, its not what I intend. I jsut fuck shit up.

And maxine, I love you with big emo glasses and tears that well up and coat the ocean floor. If yu can forgive me for being like everyone else and talking about those things, then, that would be great. If not I am gonna miss you. Im sorry. I say that alot to you, but I mean it. I jsut have shit timing with you. And I really do emo heart ya babe. And now I know, you really are that girl. Its an honor and a disrespect. We just trust you.

Its our fault, and someday, we will throw a party for the most wonderwallerific person out there. Sound good guys? Ok READY ON THREE GO SIX-FIVE-FOUR, ONE-TWO-THREE HOORAH!

This song si so good. Johnny Cash is was a genius. He took as ong from a genre he never was in and turned it into somethibg beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. I'm not saying that the Nine inch Nails version of hurt was bad. But an older guy covring a younger song is...unheard of really. Its so good. I cried the first time I heard it again.

I will elt you down.

I will make you hurt.

If i could start again.

A million miles away.

I would keep myself.

Iw would find a way.

( See my comment statistics )
Fucking shitty. Im glad my lj is small, and that I dont get many comments. It keeps it personal, and I can say whatever the fuck I want. For the most part. Not like fucking myspace, where everyone si fucking everyone else in the ass. Yaeh. I said it. Myspace is anal rape. I love myspace, but still. I feel hollow.

This entry will mbe long hopefully, so if you dont have aptience to read it, stop after this next sentence.

Im through with ciggarettes.

Last night, I went out wiht Justin lightcap. I love that kid, he got me out of my fucking house, which Is alot more than Im should ask of anyone.It was great. We talked. He might a havea new boyfriend soon soI I'm really glad for him.

Then maxine called me after awhile. She asked if I still wanted to hang out, which was sdumb question, I alwyas wantto see that girl. Not to mention, I might not see her for manother 3 months. Seriously, what kind of quewstion is that. So she came to curry and we talked to Hettis about stuff, which I totally did not get because I dont know him that well. Hes a nice kid. He is qutiing drinking smoking and all that stuff too. Hews going into special education in college too. How weird?

YEah, then we went to pick up max's sister. She was at a friends house and it was cute. She always makes me happy. Shes so adorable. That family, despite the neurological problems, that we all ahve, has good genetics. They both are gonna turn out really really good. Anyway, ewe pick her up, adn I call deryk, and then after a while at the curry on the ave, we got deryk, and chilled. Then me, shane, deryk, maxine, and rachel went to dallas curry again. I gues it was cool, but its depressing everything closes at eleven in dallas.

So we are in theere again, and I saw dennis again that night. I saw graves earlier too for a bit, but he wasnt there this time. God i wish gizmos was still fun. Anyway, I also some of the curry kids I know from my first visit there. YEah, Then I go home.

ASnd I think, and I say to myself, thigns are gonna get better. But they are gonna get alot worse first.
Pity pity pity.

Then I woeke up today, and I didnt have to goto the property and my dad asked if i stopped smoking, I lied and said I did. And he was being cool. Like actaully a father. Anyway, I got too sit to myself for a little bit. And I got to thinking about this habit.

And, I thought of the night previous. With rachel and maxine. How they jsut said everything jsut right to be the catalyst to stop me from smoking. I just wont anymore. Its not in me. Ill list what makes me want to quit.

A: My father didnt get pissed off when he found out I smoked and has been tehre for me since then. Its weird how when he actually acts like a parent things get better. He was just so... He did it just right.

B: Heather has gotten to me aboutm this. I told her I wouldnt smoke if she was in the car, and she didnt believe me. Maybe its out of spite to prove that beautiful girl wrong one more time That Im doing it for her.

C: The fact I cannot hang out with kristne justice. Her mom may be a hypocrite, but I relaly really want to be able to talk to her. She lvies so close, but its oh so far. Seriously, when It takes me 15 seconds to walk to her house, id like to be able to talk to her. This might not chane anything but I hope does.

D: Rachel and maxine. Maxine didnt get to me. But rachel did. See last night siting in avenue cury with her and max, I realized something. Actually wlaking to the car. When rachel said, you should stop because becca smoeks around you alot, and I hate it. And maybe its for becca, so that she doesnt get like brittany with it. Or me with it, Whatever. Rachel convinced me to stop. She was the final catalyst.

So tehre you ahve it kids, a step by step breakdown of why I am quitting. Itrs not for a girl, its not for anything. Im quittng becuase my life will be better for it. Much better. Wish me luck, Im gonna need alot of you for awhile. And akte thanks for going to mcoffee today. It was delightful. Maybe when we're forty? Yeah, maybe.

Hey all you music goers out there. I need some help. I want to find somethi new to listen to, and since none of you probably know any techno band names, which is always good!, I need to stay away from that techno shit. However, Deftones are rocking me alot lately. Save me from Grungemetal, and reply with something, Anything.

Yeah, K thanks.

(ps. this entry is very not me. I jsut cant say, tell me music niggs. thats way too easy.)

I have a problem.

My aggresiion issues are workign their way back into my life.

I honestly think right now, I could be my father.

So, over the summer I lost all patience I ever ahd for anyone. I jsut cannot even try to explin. I have never been "Ok" but I cannot say I'm wrong. Or fucked up. Scratch that. Im relaly fucked up. Most of you reading this, don't know, or forget the fact I am a sociopath. I am the type of sociopath that burns all bridges with no care in the world. I am fucking crazy. I fucking hate it, but it just keeps coming up.

And, I broke today on somone I consider a very close friend just because, I think he ahs been callling my phone, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over, and Its getting me into trouble. Lets jsut say, whenever anything vibrates that close to my cock, I immediately lose all interest in anything I amddoing. I've gotten yelled at by Kupstas Matyzzack, and fredericks so far. Or warned at least. And I cvant pay attention. Its literally going to be the death of me. And no I cant trun my phone off, my grandma and my mother call me. I need to talk with them sometimes ok? Yaeh, k thanks.

And, I feel like shit. I hoenstly have lost all will to really do anything. I am actually becoming more psychopathic becuase now, Instead of going ahead an just being a dick, I read. I read alot. In the ast week Ive read 3.5 books. I read fast too. Like my grandmother. I used to read slow. I am going infuckingsane.

Not to mention, that all those people that used to talk to me for support are fine. Which sucks, becuase now I cant let their lives control Mine. Its better to focus on the outside. I mean I am glad you are all better, but thts the exchange that goes.

And I am begiining to think alot of people I consider friends hate me. Not alot. maybe 3 or so. But w/e. Honestly, Just say it to my face. Id rather break off a relationship, than have you feign interest in me. Yeah.

And, I really love some people to. I really love a few people. That I can never see. They really help me keep together because they are really the only people I talk to talk to anymore. you mean alot. You are like my wonderalls. And, everyone else, its not that we dont talk, its jsut that we tlak of petty meaningless things. Hoenstly, alot of it is bullshit, and alot of it, is just unnessesary. In this town, I think the only person I have really talked to lately is kate. I love that girl way too much. She makes me relaly really happy, and when she reads this I want her to know that.

And chelsea, chelsea martin. We talk whenever.

You are my wonderwalls.

And jeffrey Finn, we should talk more, becuase you and me, we think alot. and thinkers should congregate. I enjoy talking to you alot as well. Its good.

I thoink the people I used to break down to, are gone. or they just dont care. Probably gone. But, like, Its good to have someone.

Sigh. Breka open this cage and let me free. Clean me up please.

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This too.

Soi today I was reallu really tired aand slept instead of fidning soemthing to do tonight.

Then I getan aim message from someone I dont know, Hey, maybe someone wants to do soemthing. Not, some girl jsut wnats to do a joke.Sigh #1.

Then I go on my pokemon shit, and Im working out to get perfect pokemon.like max stats. Mine arent anywhere near that. Sigh 2.

Finally, I hey a call. From simco, asking if i want to go out. alas its ten oclock. too late.Sigh 3. The buddy kitten si here watching ring two, hes being cute. Sigh. (Sigh -1 involes the fact kristen had a friend on teh bus that i think is absolutely adorable. If IU had any courage Id ask her to do something, but again.

I am The Loser. Yeah.

Sigh fro dreams.

Oh, BTW, we are doomed. Avian flu stats right now: 45% survival rate. No cure. Mutates like HIV. Nice progress people.

So Maxine said BRB.
So I read a 169 page book in roughly 1.5 hours.
Not too shabby. The book was twisted.

The person's best friend dies.

And he goes insane. Not insane like everyone I associate with ut delusional insane. Insane where he sees his dead friend daily. Insane like peeping in on the hottest girl in the school. Insane like he actually believes his friend is alive.

I totlaly can relate.

Its good I slept becuase what I did today after school, if I read that book then I would have gone insane. Who is happy?

I love you. Someone.

I sound creepy right now, like a serial killer or something right?

I finally ditched some shit this week. Its called gizmos, and its not the place it used to be. I really hate it. Yeah, luckily I have real friends.

Chris Martin left awhile ago, so I quit for that reason. What luck.

But friday, I went with matt becca and chelsea to see corpse bride. We met a boy. His name is Rick berry, I think hes amazing. I like his taste in music, and his crooked smile. Hes a verty nice boy.
Laurne and erica also decided to join us, which made me being antisemetic all the funier.
saturday.
I saw alo of ppeople.
Im sorry rebecca. I dindt think 30 minutes would make a difference.
( i just wanted them safe.)
I saw jjoey too. becca's party.
And then alot of other pople.
me and jenna tlaked for the first time since school last year.

Me: Its erotic techno about sex.
Jenna: Well, lets herae it.
Me: She orgasms during it
Jenna: PUT IT ON!!!

Cute.

Then, all this shit.

Happy birthday becca, though, I ruined it for you.


And for everyone else, I am sorry for being me. Anyway.

Hearts for everyone? I think so.

Give me something to do friday someone, anyone pleasE!!!!!!

I dont want to sit at home, alone smoking everything.

I honeslty think I might go celibate. Save me. Please.

Teary eyed angle appear soon...

HEEHE.
Zach is adorable
Hes trying to be normal.

But there is no such thing as existence. Im sad
And tired. Im writing you a letter right now.
You deserve it.

I be fucking sick.

But I got 4 cds.

At least 3 of them are good.

The las tone is pending.

And I have an FM ,transmitter.

For smoking, loving, and dancing.

Right?

I give it four days until I undergo a serious mental breakdown.

Im holding it together for all yous. But, I dont know anymore

Cell phones suck. I relaly wish I had a better cahrger or a better battery. I was actually enjoying that conversation then Poof. Death. I wish Cell phones were better for charging.

No one gets me like you do.

Im here for ya dear.

The song Disarm by Smashing Pumpkins is my new fascination. Im crying to it now.

I miss you so much jules.

Faranaqua is not fun.
Im depressed.

New Orleans- given up.
School- forfeited.
Etc. - Lost.

I know what my next letter to you is going to be about, I jsut need ot recieve yours. Buy stamps puh-leasseee.

I need new ear buds, the one is going all staticy. Maybe Ill jsut break out my headphones for when I need them. I love my black iriver ones though :).

Im in love with school, even though, everyone hjates it and i have horrible classes. I love it.

So, yesterday was a little better than friday only becuase mtheir was very little sadness. Oh, And i remembnered my keyboard from gizmos. Its very quiet. Lets recap.

So, saturday went like this, I woke up at 6 was out to the property at 7, and from there i had to pour coincrete for a few hours. There was 6 of us working on h\that, 8 on the roof roofing, and then my mother and brother not doing much. Yeah, it was alot of peoples. Then after that, I had to move some sand. It really sucks but then IU just napped for the rest of the day there nearly, which was about 2 hours so. whqatev re. Then out of some odluck, I was able to goto the gizmos lock in.

Good stuff. I played ogre tactics until the lockin as well as hanging around barnes and noble, I was just chilliong. Of course i resisted playing the japanese drum game that everyone was playing becuase I was tired from the property yet. Shitty shitty. I was hungry too I guess.

So around 1130 I am right about to go play CS in a tournament. However, Chris Brthwick walks in, and I smell hiom and I qam like "You cunt". He didnt invite me the first time.

So we go back out, and there is zach smoking a ciggarette. And Im fcking screaming the word cunt now. So chris is like ok, well go to my car. I goto his car and I finally get high. After waiting all summer for someone to offer, It happened. And let me t\ell you it was amazing. Im like fucking running back to my computer becuase I need to host. Yeah, it was very nice. However, time was slowing downa nd speeding up when I was playing and it was fucking crazy. One of the three rounds we won on we because I went absolutely crazy, and just slaughtered wih my Mac 10. I was just laughiong and yeah. I litereally was jsut amazing. I love chris.

Hes gonna be working there soon too. Which is great. He misses timo and everyone as much or more than I do. It sucks. I do mis you all terribly bnut me and crazy chris will rip uip all the emo face in this dtown damnit. Killkilllkill.

He gave me a ride home. He fucking rocks.

Last night was an amazing night.